Monday, February 11, 2008

The Grammys Turn 50...

...and what a craptacular it was! A night of strange pairings, performances both pretty good and absolutely awful, and some truly hideous fashion faux pas. Let's take a look, shall we?

Alicia Keys is a very pretty girl, but it was hard to tell last night. First was the green gown that did unflattering things to her chest, worn with an up-do that made her head look like a narrow triangle. And her false eyelashes only made her eyes seem squintier. Not her best look, but she has done worse. Last night, in fact. While performing an insipid pop tune (I am assuming it was the one for which she won an award that required much thanking of God and the angels, etc. For crying out loud - it's just a run-of-the-mill crappy song that's been sung better a thousand times before. You didn't save any lives, cure cancer, or feed the hungry. It's a Grammy, not a Nobel Prize.) she wore this awful getup on the right. The spangly silver dress made her look pregnant or at least fat, and the oddly shiny semi-sheer leggings made her thighs look like spasmodic sea lions writhing in agony after attempting to swim through an oil spill.

Mr Minx and I decided this dress made from bits of old brooms, dirty mops and soiled rags was the product of a Project Runway challenge that has yet to be aired: create a party frock from the contents of a janitor's closet.

Special guest Jabba the Hut appeared via satellite! Two suggestions: powder and a shawl.

Beyonce tosses her hair around to distract viewers from the fact that she cannot dance. She was clearly wearing tights/panty hose to rein in the thighs. You know how some people have cankles - thick ankles that are merely extensions of the calf and go directly into the foot? Beyonce has the thigh/knee equivalent. I'm going to call them "thnees."

What do you think - is this really Cher, or Frank Langella in a wig?

His ridiculous glasses and jacket cannot hide the fact that Kayne West: 1) cannot carry a tune; b) cannot rap. Please explain to me why he is so popular?


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