Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The NEW Project Runway

Let us forget this year's boring season of Project Runway and escape to a dream world where we find the ultimate reality show, a dual-network joint effort in which we find the drug- and alcohol-addled patients of VH1's Celebrity Rehab competing to become the next top fashion designer while parading their disease for our amusement.

Allow me to present:

(cue borderline-edgy theme music)

Episode One

Design daywear for contestants of Rock of Love 2! White trash, drama queens, and trannies! Can't get any more drama than that!

I'd say in addition to airbrushing and possible lip plumping injections, I'm willing to bet there was also a cucumber prop used in this shot. And several boxes of those Ken Paves/Jessica Simpson hair pieces.

The first drama of the season occurs when Dr. Drew Pinsky and Tim Gunn squabble over mentorship. Why can't there be two handsome gray-haired men around to dole out the criticism and hard love?

After brief trips to Spandex World, Liquor City, and Cigarette Hut, the designers commence to sewing and/or cursing at the machines.

Actress in the adult film industry, Mary Carey, faces a big decision: should she stay on Celebrity Rehab in an attempt to finally get sober, or should she jump ship to Rock of Love 2? She can't sew, but she can #*@(#@ with the best of them!

Bret makes the decision for her.

Seth "Shifty" Binzer, a rawker from a band nobody's ever heard of*, is having trouble with the concept of a dressmaker's mannequin. "I thought I could just staple some fabric directly to the model," he was heard muttering in between flashes of lucidity.

Tim and Dr. Drew visit the workroom to offer advice and moral support.

The runway show begins with the golddiggers models strutting to a medley of classic Poison tunes like "Nothin' But a Good Time," and "Unskinny Bop."

Michael Kors finds it all rather amusing.

The designers and models line up on the runway so the judges can rip them all a new one.

Brigitte's model, who started Michael Kors' laughter, is criticized by Nina for her "Pebbles Flintstone gone bad" hair aesthetic. Bret Michaels doesn't think her top is revealing enough. "And her boobs are kinda flat."

Mary Carey got dolled up for the occasion in a last-ditch attempt at winning Bret Michael's heart.

Gasping for air, Michael Kors chokes out something about "Brady Bunch colors."

Jeff Conaway, who suffered a relapse in the workroom from the pressures of threading a needle, had an unfortunate accident with the serger that caused him to rely on a wheelchair for transportation.

Bret Michaels praised the exposed thong, calling it "innovative" and "Viagra-like."

Michael Kors continued to laugh.

Nina says, "well, at least it's not boring."

"Seth, tell us what you were trying to achieve with this look."
"Well, Heidi, I wanted to create something that didn't involve sewing, so I used a hot glue gun and a stapler."

Michael Kors lets out a snort.

Giving up, Nina takes a swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels that someone smuggled into the room and says, "I love your leopard patchwork print. It's fresh and innovative. I can see that look in the magazine."

The designers and models leave the runway. After much deliberation, hyena-like laughter, and not a few tears, the judges come to a decision, only to be interrupted by Dr. Drew.

Episode Two: The addicts meet Flavor Flav!

*Believe it or not, Crazy Town had a Billboard #1 hit in 2001 with "Butterfly."


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