Friday, July 25, 2008

Shear Genius, Episode Five

Disa week, daminx is afeeling over awhelmed bya da two Bravo recaps, so she'sa ask me, Oscar Blandi, to apost her recappa, along wis my frien, Rene Afris.

Hi hi. Rene here.

You go ado asomethin' else, Rene. Itsa my turn first.

What does dis awort mean, "incomprehensible?" Non capisco! Da stylists meet us onna da bitch for da short cut challenge. Eetsa cold.

And da clients arrive! Eighta rather funnyalookin' "surfer dude" bitch boys with slimy-lookin' hair anda funny pants.

Well, we were nota in da studio, so we bringa da wall aweeth!

Tell me - whya do they awear da jod-hoppers? But I-a digress.

Da challenge wasa to transform da style of da bitch boys' hair to make it looka good to go out onna town. Da stylists hada 30 minutes and could nota use anything but shears, battery-powered clippers, and a spray bottle. No washin' da slimy-lookin' hair!Youa thinkin' "what are those ayellow things inna da hands?" Back inna da house, the stylists found da flip-flops inna da keetchen. The numbers onna da flip-flops matched numbers onna da shoulders of da bitch boys. And that how they all geta matched-up, see?

Thas notta so bad, Nekisa. Nicole's bitch boy's abuttcracka was showing.

After the thirty minutes were up, I looka da hair and makea decision.

Oh, sorry Nicole. They think you area too green. Maybe you shoulda been in thata Project Runway challenge theesa week, no? But they aget their, how you say, comeuppance. Daniel and Glenn are a my bottom two. They both looka likea sheet. And you, my leetle pink-eyed petal, you were a my favorite! Mwah!

Ok, Rene. Now itsa your turn.

Fankyou Oscaw. De nes day is daliminashun chawlens. Dee stywists meet their new cwiens.

Dese ladies all are suffewing fwom awopesha. Deywear weegs and when dey pull dem off, de stywists get emoshunal. In confessionals dey talk about how bwave dese womens are. I say, dey have awopesha, not cancer! Weally now, stywists. Hode it togever. chawlens is to style a weeg for dese womens that lifspirits and feetlifestyle.

As da wiener of shortcut chawlens, Nicole get to pick her cwient firs, den pick cwient for ovver stywists. Because Paulo finis in bottom couple times now, and because he alreadycry, Nicole was nice and let him pick firs.

Den Nicole has meltdown an Rene come to her wescue!

Her cwien, she cwy. She usully not wearweeg. She say dat nobody is touch her hair for eweven years, and dismake Nicole cwy too. I is mentor and geeve los helpful avise.

Rene, escusea me. Why ees every picture of you?

Reawy, Oscaw? I neva noteece dat! Anway, eetstime forda Hair Show! Go shegit!

Thanka you, Rene. He was not at da show, so he can go seet quietly again. Go seet, Rene. Seet.

I have to say, inna all honesty, most ofa da weegs looka likea da weegs. Dey look likea de helmet. But we alla feel bad for Paulo anda Nicole becausea dey cry so much. So dey are de top two. Anda we givea de win to Paulo becausea hea looka likea werewolf. Like he got de opposite of alopecia.

Den on de bottom isa da Charlie, da Nekisa, and da Gail. Gail, her weeg she'sa got de biga problems. Eet ages hair client, and da weeg isa too balki.

Balki, Oscaw? From Pohfect Stwangers?

Shuddap, Rene. Go seet!

So we gotta say "goodbye" toa Gail. Charlie, he been actin' likea de tough guy and he show Gail dat he'sa really nice guy. He keesa her hands and tell her "wea believes in you." Awww...datsa so nice!


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