Thursday, July 3, 2008

Shear Genius, Episode Two

This week, the stylists enter the Nexxus Shear Genius salon and are greeted by Jaclyn and Rene.

They reveal that Daniel's winning style from last week is on the Allure Wall of Shame Fame. Daniel is abso-freakin-lutely excited to be up there, as if it was some sort of real honor and not a cheesy faux magazine cover stuck up on the wall of the set of a reality series. In addition to this truly truly truly great honor, Daniel also has immunity in this week's elimination challenge AND he gets to pick his model first. And the order in which the stylists pick their models.

Huh? What's the challenge? Sorry, I got distracted there. The challenge is to take their client's hair from long to short in 45 minutes. And to make it look good, of course.

Rene goes around the room, "mentoring," and offering his advice to the stylists.

Then with thirty minutes left on the clock, Jaclyn tells the stylists to stop - the guest judge has arrived!

Rene grumbles something about "evwybody wantink my shjob" and stalks off to find a full-length mirror. Season One's Tabatha Coffey tells the stylists she wants to be impressed and allows them their final 30 minutes to finish their cuts. Meanwhile, she wanders the room and offers constructive criticism.

Nekisa, whose client's hair was so over-bleached, some of it had melted off, especially didn't appreciate the advice.

Time's up! Tabatha looks over the completed styles and picks her top two: hair-clone Nicole and hair-less Charlie (anyone else think he sounded like Harvey Fierstein this week?) The bottom two were Paolo's unflattering asymmetrical bob and Nekisa's failure to make anything out of her melted mess.

Back at the house that evening, the house bitch complains about the new bitch in town. And the stylists all get their booze on.

The next morning, the stylists awake to find that someone had broken into their house overnight and left behind a bowl of oranges, mysteriously numbered in black ink. The stylists speculate on the meaning of the mysterious fruit. No, not Daniel! The oranges!

Open mouth, insert foot.

Parker is sure that the next challenge involves color. And he tells us he's not a colorist.

Later that morning, at the Nexxus Shear Genius salon, the stylists are greeted by Rene who seems to be quite pleased with something.

It's the Hobags Housewives of Orange County! And their sisters and their cousins and their aunts. In their bleached, siliconed and Botoxed glory. Did you know that one of them is Wynonna Judd?

What a tacky bunch of women. Do you people really watch this show?

Daniel does. Of course. He swooned when he saw the ladies hobags and apparently even got dressed up to watch when one of the bimbos got married on the show. Pul-eeze. It's not like it was Luke and Laura, you know.

The stylists were matched up to the hobags according to the numbers on their oranges. Daniel seemed very pleased to get Kara, Wynonna Judd's daughter. And then he was not so pleased when Rene mentioned that Charlie had an "avanitz"from winning the short cut challenge and could steal another stylist's client. Say bye to Kara, Daniel!

There's something about Vicki Gunvalson that reminds me of Fire Marshall Bill. She's creepy-looking. And extremely high maintenance.

After getting stuck with matching up with their prospective clients, the stylists had two hours to complete their miracles cuts, some of which involved color.

They start plying the clients with booze to get them to calm down but Vicki jumps up and demands to know what's going on with her daughter. "I birthed you! I have total control!" And that child still hasn't run away from home?

The stylists have varying amounts of difficulty with their clients. Gail's Kimberly doesn't want any of her mangy, half-dead, bleached mop cut. She is very attached to her split ends, thankyouverymuch. Lauri didn't let Nekisa make much of a change on her mangy blond head either.

After the ordeal of shrieking and blah blah blah with too many women in the salon at one time comes the hair show!

Most of the women looked exactly the same as when they came in. The daughters looked slightly different, and thankfully, none of them particularly resembled their mothers.

I know she's an editor at Allure, but what makes her qualified to judge hair? Especially when hers looks kinda crappy all of the time?

There was even a guest appearance. Other than Wynonna, that is. Oh, and Donna Mills from Knott's Landing.

Anyway...Charlie, Glenn, and Dee were chosen as the top three, and Charlie's Kara won him the top honors. Paolo, Gail, and Parker were in last place, which choked up our sensitive Southern flower, Daniel.

Apparently looking like Cher with dyed black hair was a big no-no, so Parker was asked to leave. I kinda figured he would be. He was sealing his fate every time he made his little announcement.

Funny that Charlie's winning cut was extremely similar to Parker's losing one.

And that's the end.


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